My name is Adam, I’m 33 and have been suffering from depression for around 15 years. I had a traumatic and unsettled childhood in which I witnessed and was the victim of verbal and violent abuse. However, by the time I reached my teens things had settled and I was the happiest I can remember. I hadn’t a care in the world during that period and had great hopes for the future.
Then I hit 18, and something changed. The memories and feelings of my past came flooding back and I was filled with anger, sadness and completely lost my way in life. Like most young men I started to go out partying with friends, however did this to excess and alcohol and recreational drugs became my life. I used them to block out and numb the feelings I had but this only led to more intense despair, rage, and a loss of all self-respect.
Many relationships broke down through my behavior and holding down a career was out of the question. This stage continued through to my late 20’s. But through this time there was one shining light, my partner Mary. I met her when I was 20 and she’s been by my side ever since. Without her I would not be here today. As I approached 30 I started to settle down, the partying died down a lot and me and mary started a family with our two children. Things were looking in great shape and once again I was optimistic for the future.
Then at the beginning of 2016 depression crept up on me from nowhere and got a hold like never before. Suicidal thoughts were a daily occurrence and I began to experience massive bouts of low mood and self-isolation. I started to avoid most family and social events and only interacted with people when I really had to. Eventually I went to my GP who put me on anti-depressant medication and referred me for counselling. The meds seemed to be working relatively well but the counselling never materialized.
Then followed throughout the year a succession of peaks and troughs. I’d be completely fine for a week, then a week or so of isolation, suicidal thoughts and strange behavior would follow. It became a see-saw battle that felt like it would never end. Only just a week ago, things came to a head and I was almost admitted to a mental health facility following a night of all time disturbing behavior and voicing my intentions to end my life to family members.
Having been seen my mental health professionals since I have been put onto a course of emergency suicide prevention insight counselling and continue to take medication. As I write this I am probably in the middle of the hardest fight of my life but I’m determined to get through this. I hope if somebody else out there is reading this it will inspire them to talk to someone and not suffer in silence.
I hope this has helped.